Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Time is of an essence.

School's starting next week. I'm so relieved.

I'm gonna watch Singapore Idol live coz I got free tickets coz I worked for the production before. I don't even keep up with the series, so I don't even know what I'm going for haha. Fuck it.

I've really got to find an alternative source of income, but I just can't think of anything. Working jobs like Starbucks where you have to put up with shit from customers will just kill me. Fuck.

My cough's back. Probably coz I've been smoking so much these few days. Hahaha.


Look at what happens when you stand by and do nothing when there's a problem. You lose everything. I always knew you were dumb, but just not to this extent. Dumbfuck. I hope you're happy now.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Build a cage.

auralorgasm:: The Postal Service - This Place is a Prison.

Dad's going off overseas again, sister has finished O levels and tonight's her prom night, brother's in camp, mother's running about trying to get everything settled, and I'm sitting on my ass in front of the computer listening to music.

and blogging.

Everyone's grown up now.

I'm late. Fuck.

Rise from the ashes.

auralorgasm:: The Postal Service - Sleeping In.

I like music like this. It's just so soothing.

Today's one of those rare days when I just can't be bothered to do anything and it's turning out well. I've got 2 days off so I'll start work again on wednesday. Hurray.

Sue Townsend, author of the Adrian Mole series, is really brilliant. The main character she writes about is so funny in a very sad and deluded way. It almost makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time.

Currently reading I capture the Castle. It's supposedly a very nice book but I'll see how it goes since I'm only up to chapter 2. I really got to take some time off to collect my thoughts, read a lot more books, watch a lot more films, and just stay in my room to think. I want to buy black curtains so that I can be in the dark anytime I choose to. But when it comes to the 7th month, I'll change the curtains to a lighter colour because I believe my room is haunted by no less than 3 spooks.

Nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw a white shape floating towards me in the dark during 7th month. Bloody freaky.

It feels good to really talk to a person whom you've already known for a couple of years but you were never more than acquaintances.

I'm really looking forward to doing something which I've not done in a very long while later and well, it's kind of exciting haha. I just can't wait.

Life is shit but gems like this make living worthwhile, even if it's just a little while.

"...coz I'm Mr Brightside..."
The Killers - Mr Brightside.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

You, not me.

I just feel so sad for you.

But you brought it upon yourself with your pride, ego, and arrogance. You can blame no one but yourself.

You got yourself into this mess, now get yourself out of it.

Tiny Vessels.

auralorgasm:: Deathcab for Cutie - Tiny Vessels.

I hate how I love listening to Deathcab so much.

"Yeah you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me."


Friday, November 26, 2004

IRC classics.

Why we found IRC so fun:

man real life sucks
sure does
excellent graphics, no gameplay.
like most games :p
my score is low


and I saw a girl and was like "hey baby, you lookin' for a good time"
and she said "yes"
and I just sorta stared
cause I don't usually get that far
and I didn't have anything to say


if there's anything more bizarre than fucking a blow up doll, it's having 'group sex' with a bunch of blow up dolls.


<-(@Bloodshed)-> God my nuts stink
<-(@Bloodshed)-> *What The Fuck*
<-(@SleazyC)-> lmao..
<-(@SleazyC)-> you smell your nuts
<-(@Bloodshed)-> Well, I don't want to walk around with stink-nuts and not know it


well, people who take a test on the internet to see if they have a personality should already know the answer.


Fox just interviewed the 8th grade teacher of the American who was bedheaded in Ira.
beheaded in Iraq*
how the hell does that have any relevance at all?
how the fuck do you interview someone that was beheaded?


last night i had sex with a model.
but then the glue melted
and one of the wings fell off.
go figure.


just type /quit whoever, and it'll quit them from irc
* luckyb1tch has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* r3devl has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* sasopi has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* phhhfft has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* blackersnake has quit IRC (r`heaven)
that's gotta hurt

Hahaha this one's really a classic.

The crazy things some people say online. Note: This is extremely common. Cheggit:

I don't think it's physically possible to both laugh and ejaculate at the same time.
But I plan on finding out.
* zetec is away - midget porn.


Now I remember why I was such an IRC whore a few years back. Hahaha. Best times of my life were spent online with people I didn't know.

Geek me.


HJ: Hopesfall's new album is disappointing. All turn emo.

Me: Maybe they've matured? You can't keep on screaming forever you know.

Deadbeat Holiday.

I'm fucking exhausted. Been working since 9am carrying equipment here and there all the way until 6pm. After that still shoot until 9.30. Tomorrow still got shoot at 8.30. What the fuck.

Ahhhh. Never mind, boss promised me two off days if I get through tomorrow. And I still haven't counted the time I worked for Deepavali. I should end ITP on wednesday instead on saturday if I play my cards right.

Fuck my sentences aren't coming out properly the way I like them to. Gahhhhhhhhh.

Mom gave me cash to buy clothes for chinese new year. Plus new shoes. She told me I had better get new ones or else... I love my current pair but this looks like the end of our time together. I'll miss you.




Oei fucker, read for fuck. Go away lah. Full of shit. Talk so much still so kaypoh about my life. Fuck offffffffffffffffffffffff.

ahahhaha i'm going insane.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Days of Necrosis.

Sometimes I feel like the air, able to envelope everything in my vast emptiness, and sometimes I feel as if a billion of me could fit on the head of a pin. And sometimes, I feel as though I'm at both extremes at the same time.

I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and oh my, made from such a gorgeous script. Loved it so much.

But the time thing is getting a bit old. Donnie Darko, Momento, Pulp Fiction, Eternal blah blah, etc etc. But it's still cool.


You sly conniving worm, spineless bastard, most pathetic of all dogs, fucking blood sucker, I cannot insult you enough because insults only serve to compliment you. You've dropped right out of my shit list into oblivion. You are insignificant and you are nothing. Ah fuck, you disgust me to such an extent that words can no longer be used to measure your worth.


K time to get busy, time to read.

Reading is such joy.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Taking Stock.

I can't see past tomorrow.

Rally the troops. Life's a war that must be fought. I'm grabbing the bull by the horns again and for this one last time, this bull is going down.

And he's going to stay down.

At least for the next few months.

Why meeeeeeeeeee.

File > New > Black Video.

Further Seems Forever's album is just too short. Such a pity. Great band, great album. Ah.

Sometimes I really wonder at my ability to get myself into all kinds of situations. Just an hour ago I was stuck in a KTV with 4 people from china with chinese pop blasting through the speakers. Whaddafuck. And that's the second time it's happened.

I'm not expecting it to be the last.

Only the games in my handphone are keeping me sane at work. That's just sad. To top it all off, I'm horrendously, hopelessly, broke. Broke broke. Not just broke. Fuck. I blew like over 400 bucks on that production. Petrol can cost a bomb, as can sweeteners and other such bollocks. Bloody hell. I wish I had rich parents.

I find humans really stupid. We're doing the things we do just to kill the time between birth and death. If there wasn't any corporate machines, and if everyone lived on a farm or in a small rural village where they just did what they have to in order to survive, life would be so simple and sweet. Instead we just had to fuck things up by creating a country, a government, jobs for everyone to work so that they'll have a taxable income to sustain the system they live in. Self-maintained slavery I call it.

Unfortunately, this system is indestructable because of the people who maintain it: us. We're so set on creature comforts, style and fashion, that we cannot envision a world without aircon, without Prada or Von Dutch, without Nike dunks and Nissan Sunnys.

Live in a cave, hunt your own food, create a small community of like-wise premedieval thinkers and become barbarians. That's the way to live. The bare necessities of living never let anyone down. Not yet anyway.

Men in suits are no better than robots in their metal skins.

A few more years and we'll all become what we were all destined for, another cog in the machine.

We are the new shit.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Making points.

- I AM NOT THE GUY IN THE MIDDLE AD. Fucking hell I'm insulted.

I'm the hot chick in the 3rd ad. HAHAHA. Yes, that's a fucking joke. I'm fucking making a joke. Oh fuck off.

- my timetable is fucked. I've got a 4 hour break on tuesdays, 5 hour break on wednesay, and a 7 hour break on thursday. Wonderful.

- I'm hungry.

- it is, well okay it WAS, cherie's birthday yesterday. Go wish her happy birthday you fuckers.

- I am trying to be nice to people for once. I think people are getting weirded out because it's just so out of character. Fuck. Never mind.

- I'm happy that I've managed finally to write something good that people can relate to. Unfortunately, I never got to hear it. But I smile still.

- I'm going to start shooting my first series of visuals tentatively titled Nights of Yellow (shut up about the name already. I like it.)

- Haven't drummed in months. I feel my joints getting stiff. Got some requests but not sure whether to take it up again. I'm uncertain of myself.

- I need someone whom I can watch films with.

- My sense of humour is fucked up.

- I'm happy in a very malicious way that certain people got what they deserve. Nothing at all.

- While watching Polar Express with Amah, certain phrases kept popping into my head. Phrases like 'short little fuckers dressed in red' which was triggered by the appearance of the christmas elves. Throughout the show the word 'communists' was also running through my brain.

- Thankful for everything because although it's shitty being me, at least I'm alive and still young. Got quite a few years more to get my own back. I'm relishing the thought already.

- Been having the most weird dreams for the past few weeks. Almost every night in fact. But I crave for sleep so that I can escape into my nightmares. It's much more interesting than reality or nice dreams. I'll rather be haunted by this little girl who is actually a boy who eats the fresh carcasses of animals in my dreams rather than be awake and bored. Or be locked up at the top of a stone tower and having the tower crumble under me and the room in which I'm in fall all the way down to the ground and having my face stuck in the window and landing on my face and be broken but still alive. The best thing about my dreams, is that it's a different story every night but it's all twisted and interesting. Fuck nice dreams. I like mine better.

- Been thinking over a few things. Shouldn't even be thinking about those. A waste of time.

- Wondering who reads this crap anyway. Get a life please.

- Ought to start updating my links.

- Trying very hard to be nice, kind and thoughtful. Failing miserably. But still trying.

- Going fucking insane inside. Bursting out of my skin doesn't seem like a bad idea. I only wish I could do it.

- Run.

Sunday, November 21, 2004


The shit has finally hit the fan.

Time to grin and bear it again.

This is worrying.

Having a huge streak of really rotten luck.

Hope it doesn't become a habit.

I will not be beaten. I refuse to be beaten.

I will survive this last 2 weeks.

How I loathe my job.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Quick post!

Achtung all FSV people (who knows khalil),

everyone is invited to his place on saturday, 20th nov for hari raya dinner from 6pm onwards. Call him for his address.

I may not be going because I may have a wedding to shoot.

Fuck lahhhhhhhhhhhh.


Another chapter closed.

Kiat has been submitted but I don't think it'll win. But the point is, I did it. I suffered, but I persevered and I survived.

Last night was one of the scariest of my life. Reached Darius' place and we realised that we couldn't dump to tape because his camera was too slow. Then we decided that we were gonna burn it as a DVD until we realised that we don't have any DVDs. So we called Marcus up, he came down and the bloody G5 just wouldn't start burning.

Darius and Marcus started to pray to the mac. Then we changed the disc to another one, then it worked.

Heng ah.

Anyway, went down to my workplace this morning to export the file into tape and it worked and it's submitted but the quality sucks shit because we compressed it from 11gb to 1.9gb but fuck it, it works.

K now that the film is finished, I'd like to thank the following people:

Darius, for letting us edit on his new G5 and not being too much of a bitch about it when we were still in his room every night for 1 and a half weeks.

Marcus, thanks for your support and your music. I is be ready to do Six Shots to the Head! (When I've got time I mean)

Yadin, for his lovely shots and his music and his ADR and everythingggggggggggg.

Shiling, for the editing and the late nights and the talks we have every morning driving home and your attempts at trying to tahan me and failing badly but never mind, at least you tried :D

Cherie and Priya, for being the producers of this shoot and actually making this thing happen, thank you.

Andrew, for being just a fucking soundman, hahaha.

Kingston and Edmund, for the endless amount of physical labour with moderate amount of complaining.

Sri and Sharizal, for going back to school just to do the audiopost for this shit.

Roy and Ave, for being two kickass talents, and especially to Roy, kudos for the 50 hour shoot in which you suffered along with the crew without any complains.

JY, kaopei lah laubu. Haha. Thanks.

Jocelyn and Jennifer, for the bible (which I didn't use but thanks anyway), the black hairspray (which I also didn't use), and the photos. Lovely shite. Thanks.


K now let's all forget about Kiat. This film was never made. :)

Tagboard keeps fucking up. I really feel like replacing it with something else.

My computer network at home was dubbed Olympus by my brother and he named the other two machines Zeus and -insert name of Greek God here because I forgot what he named the other com-. I thought it'll be a kick to name my laptop Herpes in honour of Hermes so ya, that's why. Haha.

I'm bored, but it's probably a good thing.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

WOOHOOO (and a sense of loss).

As I type this, I'm listening to the soundscape of Kiat. It's not fantastic but it's not badly done either.

Which means, all I've got to do now, is to go down to Darius' place one last time, sync the sound with the visuals, adjust the credits, adjust a bit of the lighting, and dump out into DV tape, and Kiat will finally be done after 7 long and tiring weeks.

auralorgasm:: Zero:One - Make Your Time (short)

Fuck this feels totally amazing. My first indie film.

And right after I submit the DV tape, I suspect I'll get hit with a huge sense of loss with a force more or less equivalent to being hit with a Boeing 747.

How on Earth will I manage to fill my time until school starts?

On a brighter note, I've finally watched Donnie Darko and it's an incredible film. Now I see psycho bunnies everywhere hahaha. But IMO, it's also damn depressing.

Sidetrack: MOST women over 40 are a pain in the ass. Shut up already, you're gonna make my ears fall off.

That is not a sexist statement because I said most so HAH.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


I remember the days when I was being bullied by my next-door neighbour and my older brother.

T'was lovely compared to now.

I gotta do something about the hair. It's becoming real fucked up and I suspect it's all NP's fault. Right after I snipped off the back part, the whole thing went out of whack and I haven't gotten control of it yet.

I'm most probably skipping the dreads because it's too overdone and besides, it's not original anymore. Any ah beng can get dreadlocks done by doing extensions. Individualism is dead. Money is the new individual.

I'm gonna try something new. Something, more... radical. Something fresh, original.

Something cartoon-like. :D

Think living hair.

Obviously I'll need time to experiment at home and obviously I don't have time so fuck, say also like never say. But never mind, let it grow out of control even more. At the most I'll just frizz it all up and end up looking like Claudio from Coheed and Cambria. Which is kind of cool. Hur.

And I'm still not fucking cutting my hair so get off my back about it.


Words can only constrict.

To put into words what is impossible is to define God.

Find love and happiness in the small things that happen.

A mother's smile is the most priceless thing in life.

Once bitten twice shy, twice bitten sure to die. But I'm still here and I'm open to anybody who needs me. I'll never stop trusting even though it'll be my downfall one day. I don't believe in humanity, but I believe in God.

This open sore has started to heal.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Missed Opportunities.

We are the gobblers and we're gonna find you...
The Model Lipstiques - The Gobblers.

Love the tune.

Anyway just logged on to say that whenever there are missed opportunities, don't fret, coz another one's bound to come by sooner or later.

But fuck I really wanted the one I missed AHHHH.

Sian. Girls are such a necessary evil.

The Little Old Chinese Woman.

The Incredibles were worth every single cent I paid for the ticket. I wouldn't mind paying more too. Fantastique. Absolutely fanfuckingtastique.

And not an art film. :D

Tonight was the best night I've had in a long time. The original plan was to catch The Incredibles alone but HJ came along for the ride.

But before that I was at HMV, visiting my old haunt (the toilet at level 1 where I spent most of my time sleeping while waiting for people.) and buying a fuckload of DVDs and VCDs. Blew about 80 bucks on that. I call it pre-prepayment. In anticipation of the ITP pay to come, which is about 600 dollars. Hahaha.

Films I bought:
- Raising Victor Vargas
- Goodbye Lenin
- Divine Intervention
- Lost in Translation
- The Boy who plays on the Buddhas of Bamiyan (documentary)
- Son of the Bride

I swear I couldn't help it. The christmas season lowered the prices so much. When I saw Raising Victor Vargas and Goodbye Lenin on the shelves, I just couldn't resist anymore. Buy, buy, buy, and buy. I'm no minion of consumerism but in this case, takboleh tahan ah (in the spirit of hari raya).

Also, I think I've located the girl who sang for Cradle of Filth's Nymphetamine. She sings for this goth-metal band which isn't so good but fuck it, I really dig her voice.

While walking to my van to put my newly purchased items, this little old woman stopped me and asked me in chinese for 2 dollars so that she could eat. She didn't look or sound crazy, and her voice was so gentle. The expression on her face was one of perfect serenity. I have never seen such beauty before. Ironically, I was using the calculator feature on my phone to make sure that I had enough to live on for the remainder of the month.

She asked for 2 but I gave her 4 coz she just looked so much at peace with the world. She was so grateful that it was embarrassing standing there. When I walked away, I suddenly felt ashamed of myself. I have so much to give (no matter how broke I am), but this little old woman has nothing at all, not even money to buy a bowl of noodles. I turned back, meaning to give another 10 but for an old woman, she walks pretty damn fast. She was quite far away by the time I saw her.

Maybe I should have ran after her to press the rest of the cash into her hands but I didn't. I just stood there and watched her walk away. Then I wondered what was her story.

I hope she found something to fill her stomach. I hope that she found a place where she can spend the night. I wish that I had given more.

Sigh, regret.

Got home and started to transfer files to my newly formatted laptop. This is what happened.

Yes, I named my laptop Herpes.

Yours truly.


Sunday, November 14, 2004

Arafat, bah.

Arafat is just another reminder of how fragile life really is. No matter how great you are or think you may be, death will still come for you. There is no escape.

Just like the rest of us.


His name is Faisal. He's been with me since the first day of kindergarten and he's still with me now. 13 years of pure friendship.

If there's one person I've not loved enough, his name is Faisal.

God bless you. Selamat Hari Raya.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

The truths onto which a child holds dear.

Spending most of my time at kindergartens watching children running happily about (mostly) has led me to realise how fucked it is to grow up.

The amount of virtues and truths a child is taught at that age is huge, but what's more amazing is that the child is able to absorb so much within his/her short life. I won't deny that the sight of one kid hugging another kid while posing for a picture touches my heart, no matter how much I dislike kids. Ask them to smile and they do, plastic at first but becoming genuine gradually. (Other than the ones as Kaki Bukit. I recorded 9 SELECTED minutes of fucking tragedy before they started smiling. Which means that they were the happiest of the saddest, and they still looked as though as someone stole their chocolate and told them their mommy has run away with another mommy).

It's funny that we think of children as dumb (well, definitely not as smart as us grownups), but they know more about love and friendship than most of us. Is that considered dumb?

We grow evermore stupid as we age.

I'm ashamed to admit that I have lost much of the things that makes us human which I held so dear as a child. No matter how hard we try, we can just as successfully define in words the true meaning of love, happiness and friendship as we can define God.


I'm not a perfect being, I'm just as flawed as anybody out there, or even more so. But nobody can say that I didn't try. I try not to disappoint, I try to be fillial,I try to make things easier for people, I try to be so much, but sometimes I fall short of the mark. For that I'm sorry. I'm sorry not because I'm not perfect, but because I'm a failure at love, at friendship, at being happy. I'm sorry for causing hurt, I'm sorry for being how I am.

Sorry just don't cut it no more.

I want to fly so high in the fucking sky that if anything happens to me and I fall, I'll break every single bone in my body and die straightaway. That brief feeling of breaking boundaries is so worth it.

On a sidenote, my grades for this semester:







For the first time, I got Cs. For the first time too, I got a distinction. Uhhh.

Oh well, this just goes to show that I'll never make it as a financial planner or a sound engineer. Cheers.

Time for some beer and chips. Congratulations Julius, you've just fucked up again.

Friday, November 12, 2004

How about enough?

The next time I see someone opening their mouth only to let naive words spill out, I am going to stick a big stick of realism up their ass.

What the fuck. I never knew this much shit existed in Singapore.

Get over youself coz no one fucking cares about you.

I'm a fucking grump now. Steer clear.

The roadsweeper's revenge.

Your Death is in the Making.

Sometimes it just gets so that I really feel like stringing people up, grabbing a knife, and just going psycho on them.

It used to be that I could escape into sleep. But now I'm starting to have nightmares.

I'm cracking.

Blogging is so disgustingly narcissistic.

Kopi-O and Hunkee.

I've discovered a new indulgence.

Kopi-O and hunkee.

Translated as black coffee and cigarettes. Damn shiok.

Also, a new chocolate by Nestle. I think it's called Aero. It's a chocolate bar made up of bubbles. Wonderful wonderful wonderful shit.


I never had a thing for coffees, I was more of a tea person. But since redbull's like a fucking 2.70 per can, I've resorted to cheaper alternatives like coffee. It used to be that whenever I drank coffee, I would feel nauseous and sick. But I have no idea why I'm suddenly so resistant to that.


I was at the coffeeshop this afternoon eating lunch when at the corner of my eye I saw movement. I turned my head and I saw a tank with frogs inside. Frogs waiting to be slaughtered and turned into somebody's dinner. All of the frogs inside weren't moving, just stoning but there was this one frog that kept on leaping at the sides of the tank. When that didn't work, it jumped up on the other stoning frogs and started to use them as a platform. Alas, that didn't work. The tank was utterly frog-escape proof. But the fucking thing just kept on trying and trying and trying.

I thought of buying the thing and setting it free but then I decided that since we're all fucked anyway, there's absolutely no reason why that fucking frog should be free and why I should still be caged up. So I said fuck you, gave it the finger, and I went home.

Just for fuck's sake.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004


I just realised why I'm so stressed out all the fucking time.

I just realised why I need work to occupy my time.




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E.RB~.Er`TYEn.B EtR.`TEnB ~42.W.ebS4wGC`
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7 IK 86




Eh I got one word for you, fuck you.

Post #1

Trying to be arty-farty won't get you no where.

Fuck that, it's the ability to connect to people that does.

Quit pissing people off can or not?

I fucking hate arty-farty people OR people who TRY to be arty farty.

Post #2

Who the fuck do you think you are? You're just like the rest of us. Shut the fuck up and lie down in the shit or I'll smash your head in.

Post #3

I'm very pissed off today.

Post #4


Post #5


Dedicated to the Spider.

One reason why Spider's my best pal.

She gave me my long-overdue birthday presents. Only few this year. All from her. All handpicked and chosen with care.

1 pair of Shanghai Tang chopsticks (She thought I damn 'jiak kantang' one so she wanted to teach me culture by getting me something chinese which she thought I wouldn't know how to use. Turns out that I'm more proficient with the chopsticks than she. Haha.)

1 book about bigfoot written by bigfoot (some guy called graham something. It's an arty thing but it's funny as hell.)

A shirt which I couldn't fit into hur.

A piece of durian cake from bangkok and

some dark chocolate.

I really dig this Spider of mine.

K.C Spider, thank you so very much. I appreciate it many many many and alot alot alot. It's not the gifts themselves, but the thought and the time spent choosing these gifts that touches me. Not very costly money-wise but extremely valuable to me in terms of sentimental value. Again, I thank thee.

The light in my dark. You.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Letters to you.

Dear Mr Fuckhead,

Please get over yourself. You are not the greatest thing ever created and neither are you even mildly competent. I'm asking you very reasonably now to stick your head in the toilet bowl and flush for approximately 9 times. I think you'll learn how to not be a fuckhead that way.

I've known people who have had egos the size of Jupiter and they have reported 100% success with this method. It's tried, tested and proven, even better then taking pills, PLUS it has a instantaneous effect. What more can you ask for?

Eh the best thing, it's free somemore. Power or not? If you happen not to have a toilet or if your toilet bowl happens to be clogged up with stuff, then feel free to give me a ring. I would be most willing to lend you my toilet. Anything for a fuckhead like you.

Yours truly,


Lots of shit to blog about but no time to do it coz I need sleep.

Shall do it in point form, for now.

- Visual edit of Kiat has been completed and we're now adding the audio. My thanks and uhm more thanks to Darius and Shiling for staying up night after night for the past week so that the thing can be completed. Now a copy is with Sri and she's gonna start recording tomorrow. The lighting for the last scene looks totally fucked on my com. Probably because when we edited on Mac it was brighter there. Never mind, will probably brighten the shots more when we go back to dump the whole thing in tape.

- I never expected you to change so much. You disappoint me. I wish you were never affected by them. I wish so very much that we could be friends again, lead simple lives, and spend everyday talking about nonsense like what we did last time during our younger years. I miss the old you. You were once like me, and I was once like you. We were once the best of friends, don't you remember at all?

Fuck that, you're a changed person and we can never go back at all. You totally disappoint me. Such a materialistic and shallow person you've become. Sigh.

- Cough's becoming worse.

- Temper's becoming better.

- Still ever so fucked up.

- I want to be 4 again.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Heavy Metal Fish.

I coughed out a chunk of phlegm this morning. Yep, you heard me, a chunk. You know, like when the phlegm has pretty much lost much of its fluid and what's left is uhm, yah I duno what the fuck that's called but it's not nice.

Anyway, me and AndOO (as opposed to Andrew because that's how the people at work call him. They call me Julia like whaddafuckingfuck.) bought a fish today for the tank outside our workplace. A bit about the tank: it has green water and weird stuff inside and it looks as if it hasn't been cleaned for a few generations and this old guy keeps on putting goldfish inside it and also keeps on sticking his hand inside and stirring the water and anyway, me and AndOO bought a fish. K now where was I?

Oh yah, yeah so me and AndOO bought a fish today and it's not really a fish. It's a East-asian Swamp Eel and we got it for 5 bucks. The aquarium which we went to stocks some really weird fish. There was a fish there which looked so fucking evil that I immediately dubbed it the heavy metal fish. Weird weird weird. Then there was this fish which wasn't a fish but a eel called the Rubber Eal and it looks just like a big fat fucking earthworm only it's grey and about 10 times bigger than a worm and it's in the water. No discernable eyes or mouth. Pretty damn fucked up. I've decided that I'm gonna get 500 dollars and buy a tank and get all the evil or fucked up looking fish and light the water with red light and hang a sign over the tank that says 'THIS IS WHAT HELL IS LIKE.'

Now we're just waiting for the old guy to stick his hand in again.


Work is so boring that we made friends with a dog which we named Stinky for obvious reasons and fed it biscuits which we took from our workplace. There's a sign-making place next door and I intend to make a sign that says 'ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US' and put it at the back of the Bangbus.

Eh Leanna, how much did you get your snub-nosed turtle with the weirdass name for? This shop sells them at 48 bucks hur hur. Damn cute. I feel like turtle soup :D

Okay now the fucked up news. We may not be able to pass Kiat through audio-post because my audio-post person didn't contact the lecturers in charge and she's pretty busy all the way until Hari Raya so yeah. Fucked up.


Friday, November 05, 2004

Squareball Vision.

Wahhhh editing can be such a bitch. I have no idea how Shiling does it without having squareball vision (as quoted from Darius).

On the bright side, two of the montages are done and the music is more or less confirmed. Which is pretty good. Bad part is, we're still farrrr from done.

My dreams have really been fucked up recently. I don't want to elaborate on it. It scares the shit out of me.

I long for a proper 12 hour sleep. That's all I'm asking for. Gahhh. I've been practically living in the editing room for the past week. Not to say that I did much, Shiling did most of it. Just hung around to guide her when she needs guidance and to send her home after we're done for the night. But I learnt how to use Final Cut Pro so I'm pretty happy. I'm not that good at it but I learnt how to use the basic functions already hur.

I want to chill outttttttttttttttttttt fuckkkkkk.

Work is getting to my brain. My attachment is sucking so bad right now that every 5 minutes at work I feel like walking out of the door. Gahhhhh. Cigarettes are so much of a necessity now that I crave ever more for just one more puff. So much for quitting bah. Never mind, there's always next year.

I'm looking forward to the start of school. No distractions, just full speed ahead this time. It's gonna be brutal but I'm curious to see how far I can push myself.

I don't even have time to talk to Spider anymore :( Eh you shut up, you still owe me lots of presents wahahaha.

I believe that God has sent me another sign. Yesterday morning I woke up and I saw on the whiteboard (that my mom uses to keep track of our schedule) a magnet that says NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP. Apparently, a friend of my sister's gave it to her. Hahaha. Shiok.

So here I am, sitting down in front of the laptop and blinking my eyes, trying to drive away the ache behind my eyeballs and typing to keep myself warm in an 18 degree environment.

I am waiting for someone/something to happen.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004


I went to work and told them I'm sick and then I went to the doctor's to get the strongest cough med he had (got a good reason to coz my cough has been around for 2 months) and now I'm stoned.

There's no more point in going to work. I don't feel any guilt in skipping work because it's just so stupid and boring and routine. Tomorrow will be like how today is like yesterday.

Thoughts are in my head again. I wish I could rip them out and slam them into the buddha altar behind me.

Watched the first episode of Southpark's new season and it's pretty good. Vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Hur.

Paid a visit to the centre of my mind and the guru's not in. Probably still sleeping after that trip last night. Motherfucker.

Random thought: I am not a huggeable person.

I saw her yesterday evening at the bus stop and I saw her again this morning at the same place. Now I'm wondering what she did in between evening and morning. I wonder what's she like on the inside. I wonder why she's doing this. I wonder how can someone live the kind of life that she lives without feeling dirty and worthless.

Note to self: Pray.

Only you can make my heart bleed.

I feel sad.

My time is filled up but I feel so empty. I feel as if everyone has moved on, only I'm left in stasis. I need assurance and reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. The only thing that is keeping me going now is myself. I feel as though I'm really trying my best but something's holding me back.

The days are okay since my time is filled up and I don't think as much. It's the nights when I'm not doing editing that are really killer these days.

Nowanights, I talk to myself for company when I'm not on msn. It's basically just pep talk, encouragement to not give up and just tolerate all this shit. But it's fast losing its effect and I'm starting to lose faith in myself again. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm doing enough or is there something I'm missing.

Right behind me is my family, and thank God for that. I know they'll support me no matter how fucked I am but there are certain things you just can't talk to your family about.

Now tell me, how did I land up here again?

Not unlike clothes hung out to dry.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004


I am amazed at the speed at which some people do production. Too fucking fast and too fucking efficient. Bloody amazing.

Lighting for each shot set up within 15 minutes. Wah lan eh.

But I got some really lovely photos hur hur hur. Finally picked up the camera again to shoot. I'm bloody out of practice though, some of the shots with great potential didn't turn out too well. Damn disappointing. Missed one great opportunity to shoot at the hostel at Kaki Bukit on sunday because I didn't bring my cam. That place has got character omg. It's a hostel for the foreign labourers and oh man, I was kicking myself for not bringing my cam. Damn wasted sigh. Never mind, there will always be other chances.

My sister's friend went to England and brought back a leaf from William Wordsworth's garden. I have never liked poetry but I thought it'll be nice if I could take a picture of the leaf placed on one of his poems. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any of his poems in my house (which is kind of surprising, seeing that my brother and sister are great fans of his. I wonder where all his works went.), so I had to settle for Susan Hill's King of the Castle. But I guess if I didn't say it, most of you wouldn't know who he was and what he wrote so it was a bloody waste of time on my part. Bah.

Today has been a really weird day. I'm having lots of dizzy spells. I think I'm not having enough sleep, either that or I'm being overworked lol. I think it's the former though. Overworked? Hahaha. I call it killing time.

Gonna meet up with Marcus to talk about the soundtrack for Kiat now. I'll post more later.

P.S: I'm in denial again. I hate periods like these. So fucking distracting.

P.P.S: My phone fucked up yesterday. I don't know how the fuck it happened but I lost every single fucking number inside. It won't be such a big blow if I lost only the numbers but the thing is, I thought of a tune for Kiat's soundtrack and for fear of forgetting it, I recorded me humming into my phone. Now it's gone. And I've forgotten what's the tune. Fuck. Anyway, it'll be really nice and convenient if the people who read this sms me with their name so I can re-save them into my phonebook. If not I'll have to scurry around asking for numbers and I hate doing that. Oh wait, it could have some advantages.

Oh yes it definitely could have hur hur hur. Friendster, you.are.going.to.work.for.me.

A leaf from his book.