Cul-de-sac.

You can never lose what you didn't have in the first place. But somehow, I feel as if I've lost everything.

Who am I to you? Who am I to myself? I knew this was coming. I knew one day I would be back where I started. I've lost what's most important to me. Who the fuck am I? I say this not in anger or bitterness, but in resignation.

I admit I'm probably the most fucked up person you'll ever meet. I'm unreasonable, short-tempered, petty, touchy, selfish, self-indulgent and I don't seem to care for anyone.

I want people to beat the fuck out of me. I want to beat the fuck out of people. God grant me this: I want a physical outlet for my frustrations and inner hate. I want to fucking shoot myself in the head. I don't want to be me.

All I really want is just one good gig. One fucking good gig for me to just let go of myself, just drown myself in the music. Either that or one good fight. Just one is enough. I crave the pain.

I think I'm better off alone. No friends, no relationships, no family and no band. I may not be necessarily happier, but at least I won't be pissing so many people off.

There was always this underlying layer of hatred and contempt for me beneath all this talk of friendship and brotherhood and whatnot, wasn't there? I could feel it in the way you look at me, in the way you talk to me. Forget the pretense, it's just a waste of energy on your part.

You'll love to see me fail. You'll love to see me fall. Guess what, this is the process of falling. Soon I'll smash into the ground. Are you happy to see me like this?

Although I wish very much that someone would be there to catch me if I ever should fall, I know that no one would. 6 billion people in the world. Why should anyone bother about me? I'm just one out of many. Don't even dare say you'll be there, any of you. You have never proved it and I doubt you ever will. Not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, and definitely not you.

Why the fuck are you reading this in the first place? Did you already know that I would blog about this? Hah of course. I'm sure you would know. That was a pretty stupid question. Do you like what you read? Of course you do. You had a part to play in this. Of course you would want the satisfaction of seeing me like this.

I never wanted it to be this way. I never wanted me to be this way. Have I been running away all my life?

I'm an individual. I will never be one of you. Pariah. Outcast. Beggar - I take what I can get. Don't bother hating me, I hate myself more than any of you could ever hate me. I'm better off alone. Leave me be. I'm sick of all these pretense. I never existed. Treat me as if I never existed. You'll feel better and so will I. I'm no more your drummer than I am your friend.

Goodbye. It hasn't been nice knowing you but at least we wasted my time.

P.S: The word 'you' applies to any that reads this. Don't be so stupid as to apply it to only yourself. But I really don't care even if you do.


Thought.