Of Heartaches and Headaches.

I'm lying/sitting down on my sofa, typing away and feeling pleasantly drowsy. I'm sick.

The past 10 days have taken a lot out of me, I expected that. But what I didn't expect was that it would give me back something in return. For that, I'm eternally grateful to the crew of SFF '05. They have taught me to love again, to open up, and to be true to myself and to all that I stood for. On the night of the after-party, I was running around the dance floor in a state of oblivious bliss. For once I was happy, really happy. Wonderfully happy. Amazingly happy. My smile was real. Finally.

When I saw the showroom being torn down today, I felt sad but curiously elated. Yes, the showroom will be gone, but the beautiful memories will always be part of me. It's become me.

I'll always remember...

- Being part of the A-team and feeling good about being a leader,
- Getting drunk on Moet,
- Working alongside wonderful, wonderful people like Sam, Michelle, Terence, Debra, Green, Navin, Wilson, Balls, Charlene, Natalya, Mas, Cherie, Shahida, Nurul, Ridzwan, whoever,
- Nor getting drunk and becoming comatose,
- Arranging goodie bags in the showroom and getting really pissed off with Harper's Bazaar because they're a bunch of fuckheads,
- Eating Old Chang Kee whenever I had the time to,
- Smoking fuckloads of cigarettes with Green,
- The makeup cases of Lancome artistes which looked like they contained WMDs,
- Talking to Mas and Nisha whenever there was a show going on and I had nothing to do,
- Working alongside security,
- Working alongside bangla workers,
- Winning an ipod shuffle for being one of the best volunteers,
- Watching the people I loved winning stuff because they too were one of the best volunteers (kudos to Green, Navin, Wilson, Cherie, Charlene, Mas),
- The hugging and the handshaking at the after-party,
- and saying farewell to people at the end.

It was a wonderful experience while it lasted but I'll never wanna live it all over again. Once is quite enough thank you.

I guess I'm having mixed feeling about Cambodia. On one hand I want to take a break but on the other, I don't want to leave Singapore just when everything is for once, turning out right. I don't feel like bringing a camera along with me, I just want to drown in their culture and not bring anything back. I guess I'll see how.

I feel thankful for what I've got thus far and I suppose I should be happy but really, I'm not. After these 10 days I found that it's not that I cannot love, it's just that I don't want to. And not wanting to feels really good. I guess I'm just a selfish little fuckhead but what's wrong with being like that if it makes me happy. I enjoy being around the people I hang out with, but I also enjoy being alone. I guess that I'm just better off alone because I don't have to explain things to anyone, I can say anything I want, I can do everything that I wanna do, and most importantly, I can be in peaceful solitude. I don't need anybody to survive. You're just the topping on my cake, nothing else. And that's all you will ever be. But hey, I appreciate you being that.

I just don't want people to love me because I don't want to disappoint.