Fatigue.

I seriously can't remember how long it has been since I've felt this tired so early in the night. 12.30am.

If this continues, I'm not gonna last. I'm going to burn out way before my time. Shite.

I feel stressed out. Dammit.


AMERICA, FUCK YEAH.

Remembering Memories.

auralorgasm:: Armour for Sleep - My Town

I need my camera back! I'm currently disabled for my black and white class coz my cam's being repaired. Gahhh. Anybody can lend me an SLR? Any type will do as long as it's SLR. Only need it for 2 days.

auralorgasm: Ex-Girl - Rocket Keronian

This band is just so fucking wack. Gotta love them.

This game seems really cool. Wouldn't mind playing it. Finally, a game that wouldn't get boring.

I wonder when I'll finish posting pictures from Cambodia. Still got quite a few more to go. I gave up on sorting them out. Posting randomly. I kinda like this three photos. I dunno why.

Semester's starting out with a bang, I'm just hoping I won't go out in a fizz. Got fuckloads of work coming in plus I think specialist will ruin us haha. What a fun prospect. Yay.


Walk.

Run.

Stop.

But I don't wanna.

I don't owe you, or him, or her, anything.

So don't talk to me as if I owe you shit. I don't and I never will.

I'm trying really hard to keep my temper in check and everything at peace this few months but it's really tough when so many screwed up things happen. I don't want to lose my cool and just blow it but it's just so difficult.

I help because I can and I like to. I try so hard to be a friend because I know the feeling of not having friends. And at the end of the day, at least I can say I've tried. I really did.

I don't want to stop trying. I don't want to become 'Julius the angry kid' again. My anger is something which I cannot get rid of but which I'm trying to control. My fuse still burns out fast but I restrict myself. And everytime I do that it hurts me physically. My chest tightens and I cannot breathe proper. It costs me to grit my teeth and bear it, and it hurts even worse mentally.

I'm not being a pushover, I'm just fucking trying to be nice.

So fuck off and think again if you think I owe you.

Coz I fucking don't.

Jaded.

Somehow, having a boring 9 - 5 office job that comes with a fat paycheck doesn't seem like a bad idea now.

Money talks. Passion doesn't pay for food.

Stupid stupid stupid me.


.

Skinny dippin.

I'm wearing a bit too thin and I don't like it.

I think from now on, I relek one corner can already.

Relek la brader.


The sunset in question.

.

I think out of all the types of people in the world, the one group I hate the most are the elitists.

But I'm just too resigned to really care.

I don't even know why I bother so much when ultimately, all the stuff I do, doesn't even matter.

This happens year after year, month after month.

I'm speechless.

Violent Suburbia.

auralorgasm:: Linear High - Stay of our Lives.

The start of my second last semester in school. My last two semesters of poly life. After that I graduate and get conscripted. Now that's something to look forward to. Hmmm.

Listening to a couple of new bands now, like Showroom, Linear High, The Decemberists, Cursive, Autumn's Grey Solace, Starfuck, Ex-Girl, Supersystem, and blah blah blah.

Oh if you're a fan of industrial, you've got to check out Zero:One. A personal friend of mine, and also a great composer. If you're not into industrial, then forget it. You won't like his stuff. Violent. Very violent. But worth a listen.

Eh fuck lah it's free. Just download and listen.

Bought my helmet today. Cost me 40 bucks. But worth every cent.

It's probably gonna save my life one day. Heh.


A little shed.

Self-reflection.

Now I feel like a right idiot.

Fuck.


.

Ponder.

So I've completely wasted my 3 weeks of holiday, doing nothing else other then gaming, sleeping, and watching movies. What a bloody waste of time.

One day I shall be dead. I wonder what's being dead like. I wish I would stop thinking about this whole death thing. Been wondering about for the past 13 years, since I was 7. I'm quite surprised that I'll be 20 this year. Never thought I'd make it this far. Thought I'll just perish somewhere between the ages of 15 - 17. Quite proud of myself. Hmmm.

I also sometimes wonder what I'll all be like in 15 years time. Will I ever realise my dreams? Or will I be doing something which I've never dreamed of doing before. I think I'll know soon enough.

What about life?

Life is change. People change all the time. If there's one thing I won't regret, is knowing the people that I've known.

Of course, with the exception of one. Hur.

When I was young, I often toyed around the concept of time reversal. Sometimes when I got a scolding from a teacher or from my mom, I would think, 'if I could turn back time, I'll punch your face and see what happens. If it doesn't work out for me, then I'll just reverse time. Simple!'

But I think it's a lot more fun to have one and only one shot at stuff. But then again, it causes me to be guilt-ridden by the things I do to people most times. What a major fuck up.

Right, so school's reopening this wednesday, I'm already taking my bike lessons, there's no sign of any girl that I might get involved with, my friends are still sticking around (God knows why), and I have 6 hours to sleep. Yeap, life's going fine and dandy for me. Brilliant.

I wonder how long it'll be this way.

If there's anything I really dislike, it's going through a phase.


Criss-cross.

The Land of Plenty.

Right so here we were in Phnom Penh. Crossing the road in Phnom Penh is akin to playing Frogger, except this time, you're the frog.

Did loads of shit at Phnom Penh, visiting the Russian Market (where they sold fuckloads of stuff at extremely cheap prices), going to Tuol Sleng (see post below), visiting the landfill (which was hardly considered a tourist attraction), and just chillin at the hotel. Finally, aircon and showerheads. Wow. I got too swept away by these modern conveniences that I even drank a few mouthfuls of tap water, forgetting we were still in Cambodia and that water from the taps aren't potable. Tasted like shit. Bleargh.

Anyhow, the landfill which we visited was enormous, measuring 5km x 7km in area (if the figures in Kah Yan's blog are right. Ah fuck it, it's just shit huge). Much of the waste of Phnom Penh has been going there for the past 20 years and it's the same waste that ensures the survival of some Phnom Penh citizens. They work there everyday, scavaging for stuff they can sell. Some of them actually live there, amidst the rubbish in makeshift tents. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see any of the tents so we had to take our guide's word for it. The smell wasn't that bad, once you get used to it. Definitely an eye opener though. Hmmm.

Images in Colour:


The Land of Plenty.

Big Machine.

Restaurant.

At work.

A make-shift tent.

Kids at work.

Man sifting through the rubbish.

Images in Black and White:



Work under a sunbleached sky.
.

Kid with cap.

Contemptous

Rest.

Sup?

Wasteland.

Human Tragedy.

Pol Pot caused the death of more than 2 million cambodians in 3 and a half years. Tuol Sleng, a concentration camp of sorts at Phnom Penh, caused more than 10,000.

I think we shouldn't judge him because he probably had his reasons for genocide. Who are we to define morality?

I only regret that I wasn't skillful enough a photographer to capture the pain and sorrow these people went through. Will post more later. Need sleep.

*edit:http://www.mekong.net/cambodia/banyan1.htm Read about Cambodian history and the indignities the Cambodians went through till today. Cambodian history is really quite interesting, not at all boring, at least to me. Uhm. Just read it.


Kill.

White Bones.

Headbones II. Time don't make holes in skulls. Bullets do.

Headbones III.

Headbone IV.

Metal Bed.

The dead.

More dead.

I doubt this guy knew what was coming.

Cells.

Shackles to feet that once were.

...

Indulging in Misery.

More on Pol Pot later when I finally decide to focus on other people's misery rather than my own.

And yes those are real human skulls.


Headbones.

Weevils in thy Heart.

It just suddenly occurred to me that I'll kick myself to death one day for all the stupid things I've done and the relationships I've burned.

It's not that I don't appreciate it, but more like I can't. I JUST FUCKING CAN'T.

I appreciate the fact that people actually bother making friends with me. I just cannot appreciate the people themselves. People come, people go. All the fucking time. It's not to say I'm afraid of rejection, or I'm afraid of getting hurt. It's more like I can't be bothered even if I wanted to.

Looking through the past years of my life and what I've done over the years, really bothers me a lot. Yes, I have issues, I have lots of issues. I can't solve them myself because I don't know how to.

I've been proclaimed the rudest person he's ever known by one guy and the most straightforward person by another. Not that I care of course, but the former says it's quite damaging to relationships. I admit that, but I just can't stand how people beat around the bush in the name of social ettiquette. WTF.

Or it may be that I'm just retarded and evil and very inconsiderate of other people's feelings or maybe even that I'm selfish and I care only for myself. Whichever floats your boat.

I'm an extremely bad person who should be kept in isolation, far away where I can't hurt people even if I tried.

I wish somebody would hurt me as I've hurt people.


Another warm and fuzzy picture to contrast my mood.

Sunny Day Lightning.

Right so I'm still awake at 8.17am. I don't feel like sleeping.

But I probably shall since I'm gonna meet HJ later on in the day. Haven't seen him for such a long time. Hmmm.

It's sunny outside but I heard thunder and see lightning. Verreh cool.

It has just hit me that recently, I've been leading a very sad existence. No job, no work, nothing to do, just gaming and hanging out. Very worrisome. Starting to have a short term memory too. Very very worrisome.

But I decided that in honour of my current geekiness, I shall title the photo below in 1337 5p34k.

Behold...


t3h d4rkn355.

Dudes Night Out!

Whenever one of us proclaims a 'Dudes Night Out' night, I kinda cheer up and think that life's not so bad after all.

Even though when we hang out with the same bunch of people every time we hang out, it's special when it's 'Dudes Night Out' because

uhm.

Ah fuck it. It's just more special and that's that.

Shut up.

Edit:

ERROR
Enter the letters as they are shown in the image.

WHAT THE FUCK HOW COME NOW THERE'S WORD VERIFICATION ON BLOGGER?!?! This is so stupid. What? Blogger got sued by some irate fuckass blogger who couldn't take responsibility for some stupid spur-of-the-moment thing he/she posted?

Fuck you all other bloggers.


Stoned Carving.

Dinner, anyone?

I was pouring soup into my rice and suddenly I just felt like throwing the whole plate against the wall and watch it smash.

But I didn't coz my mom was looking.

Shite.

Right so I decided not to sort out my pictures, rather, I'll post randomly. Which is much more interesting.

Read: I'm fucking lazy.


Desolation.

The Most Beautiful.

I remember a time not too long ago when I saw the most beautiful sunset and I spread out my arms and pretended they were wings and I knew that if I fell dead on that very spot where I stood at that very moment in time, I would die with my eyes open with wonder and joy.

I felt God's love then.

Another Attempt at Normality.

I've been posting extremely pointless posts of late. Something's missing, but I can't put my finger on it. Hmmm.

Specialist script first draft is done! Thank God my group believes in it, if not we are be all fucked.

Hizuan's new web journal here. I'll have to relink some people, remove some dead links, and add some more new ones soon. Hah. I just realised that I've been saying that for the past 6 months, and nothing's been done so far. Hurray for procrastination.

Read in the news recently that pet-owners are dyeing their pet's fur all sorts of weird colours i.e neon green, hot pink, blah blah. That is just wrong. Nobody should dye the fur of animals. If animals could talk, they would be all like 'OEI FUCK OFF DON'T TOUCH MY FUR YOU BIAAAAAAATCH'.

Which would be cool. I wish animals could talk. Then they'll be able to tell us lots of cool stuff. And we could teach them to curse and swear. Heh.

I bought some Ben's and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge a few days back. It's now waiting in the freezer for a time when I can sit down, put on a dvd and just sit and pig out. I just can't wait.

Laselle SIA's graduating batch of media students are having a showcase of their final video projects on the 11th of May at Laselle SIA Blackbox 90 Goodman Road at 7pm. There will be free beer provided, or at least that's what my contact told me. I will most likely be going down, if not for the visuals then for the beer. Who wants to come? Hah how stupid of me, I don't even know whether it's by-invites-only or all-welcome. Nevertheless, I'm invited so I don't care anyhow. w00t.

Watched Kingdom of Heaven already and I won't say it was very good. It didn't really impress me but hey, at least it was a brave attempt at reconciling Islam with Christianity. Some parts were just plain ridiculous but then again when I laughed, nobody else did. Hur.

Will be going to Johor tomorrow. It'll be the first time that I've ever been there. Should be an interesting experience. Gah.

This post is extremely inane, much like the previous ones. But hey, at least it killed a bit of time.

Murder?

Headhunting.

I seriously wish all of you were dead.

Gah the pair of you would look nicer mounted on my bedroom wall.

Okay time to buy And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead's newest album.

Ohmmmmmm.

I am so fucked up.

HAH.

You may have what you have, but guess what? We've got something better.

WE'VE GOT JON.

:D

What happens when something happens which is not what you would expect to happen?

Lights all askew in the Heavens. Stars not where they seemed or were calculated to be, but nobody need worry.

You've just simply gotta love Einstein.

Listening to the News.

OMG I HEAR ALREADY WANT TO LAO SAI I TELL YOU.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

WTF AHHHHHHHHHH

LIFE IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR.

My mother told me it's good karma. My brother told me, 'George Bush is an idiot and he's the president of America, so how do you explain that?'

BUT STILL.

I hate you all.

WAH FUCKNESS MAHN.

Bah Gah Fooh.

I'm sick and I feel like shit.

What with diarrhoea, nausea, body aches, and fever, fucking hell I feel like shitttttttttt.

GAHHHHHHHHHHH.

I've got to sleep. I NEED TO SLEEP.

PLEASE NOBODY CALL ME.

Not unless you want to get screamed at and hung up on.

Rawr.

Yes yes yes I'll go sort through my pictures tomorrow and will post some up.

NOW STOP BOTHERING ME FUCK D#J@($C@&@H(CM@{#D(Nc0928mc97n2
C
3qm923nv0954m
2qv93n2f]v,
294h
5h ]4
y4 y
4y058mu4y0
2t308yj4u
,d'alkmvd'
v

GAH.

Last Days of April.

auralorgasm:: Last Days of April - The Days I Recall Being Wonderful

I just want to drown in the music and not wake up forever.

I wish this night would never end.

Baybeats is gonna happen July 15, 16, 17th this year. Who's up for it? Heard that Deathcab's coming. If it's true, I can't wait.

I feel as if my heart is gonna burst; I'm so euphoric.

You.

You and me
Meant to be
Immutable
Impossible
It's destiny
Pure lunacy
Incalculable
Insufferable

But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love
Protected and the lover of

A pure soul and beautiful you
Don't understand
Don't feel me now
I will breathe
For the both of us
Travel the world
Traverse the skies
Your home is here
Within my heart

And for the first time
I feel as though I am reborn
In my mind
Recast as child and mystic sage
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love

And for the first time
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound
In my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You're mine forever now
Who wouldn't be the one you love and live for
Who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for
Who wouldn't be the one you love

[Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love]

I'll breathe for you.

Kampuja

Drinkable tapwater!

Electricity that won't fail you!

A showerhead!

Fuck appreciating what I got, THIS IS MY FUCKING BIRTHRIGHT.

I love Singapore :D

But I wouldn't mind going back to Cambodia again. The Temples of Angkor were mindfuckingblowing.

Took some pictures, will post them up soon, I hope.

Reached Singapore yesterday afternoon and I'm still feeling a bit disoriented. Typing seems like a chore and holding my mouse just feels wrong. I can't wait to taste Hae Mee for lunch though hur hur.

There's a crush of stuff to do and to finish so I'll post again when I feel like it.

Btw, Pol Pot's an arsehole.